Bisexual guy worried he has to ‘choose’ a gender gets an illuminating lesson in monogamy, polyamory and triads
Stock image (Envato Elements)
A bisexual man is afraid that he will “always have something missing” from his sex life if he enters a long-term relationship with a woman.
The man wrote about his fears in an anonymous letter sent to The Guardian advice columnist and psychotherapist Pamela Stephenson Connolly.
“I am a bi man in my 30s. I greatly enjoy sex with women, but the thought of it doesn’t turn me on as much as the thought of receiving anal sex from a man,” he wrote.
“However, when I am physically intimate with a man I find it difficult, if not impossible, to maintain an erection.
“In some ways, this is fine, but I’m worried that the men I sleep with think I’m not enjoying it, or don’t know whether I am or not.”
The bisexual man was reassured that he does not have to ‘choose’ a gender.
He continued: “I think the wider problem may be that I don’t find men as attractive as women. I don’t enjoy cuddling with men or kissing like I do with women.
“As a result, I treat the men I’m with like sex objects.
“I’m worried that if I end up with a woman, I’ll always have something missing from my sex life, but that I am not attracted to men enough to have a satisfying monogamous relationship with a man.”
Connolly reassured the man that he does not have to “choose” a gender.
You seem to be concerned about your future, and consider monogamy a goal, with one person of one gender.
“When people are grappling with such questions, what they are really comparing is not so much the qualitatively different sexual experiences, but rather who they experience themselves to be in the context of their relationships with people of different genders,” she wrote.
“But you do not have to make a choice – not now and not ever.”
She told the man that he can “comfortably” decide to have relationships with people of any gender – and said that if he chooses to enter a long term monogamous relationship, it will be because of how that person makes him feel rather than their gender.
“You seem to be concerned about your future, and consider monogamy a goal, with one person of one gender,” she added.
“But there are people out there who can manage long-term triangular relationships – in fact, some actively seek triads. See if you are one of them.”
